Who would have ever thought that someone so sweet and full of life would suddenly be taken away from our midsts and never again to return to this life. I'm still in denial and it hasn't really really hit me that she's actually gone. Christina Cho. That's what I always called her. Never just Christina, but Christina Cho. I've read others' posts dedicated to her and yeah, they made me cry. But it still seems as if this is all just a really sick joke and that everyone's gone mad. Because I just can't believe that it's true. Even though I know that it is.

Throughout high school, we hardly talked. But we knew each other and said "hi" all the time. And somehow, after high school, we started talking online. That was when I started to get to know her. And I remember saying "yeah...i didn't talk to you cause i was kinda scared actually." and I remember her response, saying "yeah...i don't usually let TOO many people get close to me." But after that, we talked and joked online. And she had the most hilarious personality ever. I would have never guessed that she was the way she was: a sweet, funny, blunt, smart, and just genuine person. All I previously knew about her was that she was Korean, she was small and quiet, and all she did was sleep in class. I specifically remember her in AP Chem and AP Art History class. I remember her sleeping...in class. But somehow she always managed to get really good grades in those classes. She just had the brains. I admired that about her...and thought about how I too could just sleep in class and still manage to pull out A's. Yeah...it never happened.

But I truly enjoyed the conversations we had online. We would talk about school...and how she had Meggie in the same dorm as her. We talked about my restaurant and how she wanted Pho and she always tried to get to me send her some in the mail, haha. (How I'd give anything right now if I had another chance to drive down to SD and give her that bowl of Pho). I remember how she used to get so embarassed everytime I asked her to sing for me (which was every time I saw her). She always refused. But then she did give me the link to her & John's compilation. And I remember my reaction..."THAT'S coming from that little korean girl???" And I kept telling her to try out for American Idol. She laughed. Like Julie said, Christina Cho was so random and blunt, it was hilarious. She'd tell me how she needed to poop or wanted to fart. And I never would have thought that she'd say things like that. But she did, and she made me laugh.

The last time I saw her was during summer school. We were in the parking lot. And I noticed something was different about her. Then she told me she did her eyelids so she could get that "crease" that asian girls want. It did open up her eyes and I remember calling her a "dork" for doing it cause it's not that big of a deal but she was happy and that was all that mattered. Before we hugged each other goodbye, I told her to make sure to come and visit me at the restaurant again. She said she would.

Now our dear friend has departed from this life and gone onto another one. I can only say that her presence on this earth touched and affected many, and that she will always be remembered and loved. Christina Cho, thank you for your friendship--the talks and late conversations online into the wee hours of the mornings, the laughs that we shared and for your beautiful voice. You are in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers and may you find peace with our Father in His kingdom.

Almighty, Everlasting God, who has dominion over the living and the dead, and shows mercy unto all whom you know will be yours by faith and works: I humbly beseech you that Christina Cho, for whom I have resolved to pour forth my prayers, whether this present world will still detain her in the flesh, or the world to come has already received her stripped of her body, may, by the grace of your fatherly love, and through the intercession of all the saints, obtain the remission of all her sins. Through our Lord Jesus Christ, Amen. Oh Lord, hear my prayer. And let my cry come unto you. May the Almighty and merciful Lord hear me. And may the soul of Christina Cho, and the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

MARTHA FOCKER!!!!

yeah i hate my life. i'm gonna bury my face into books, music, and sketches now. i'll continue waiting on people (pun intended, which probably none of you understand but that's okay) and maybe...just maybe i'll get to be like Amelie. i might even buy a goldfish so it can try to commit suicide. what a week it's fcuking turning out to be.

so much for my happy ending.

damn...i have the biggest headache ever. and i was about to sleep but customers came in so i guess i'll have to stay awake. anyways...so i was just thinking about that one entry where i said i'd do all these things this summer. and i've come to the realization that i have not completed any of those things except for summer school (which i am now officially done with by the way). but what bothers me is that i spent a whole year to get a perfect gpa and in a matter of 6 weeks, i managed to screw that up with getting a B in bio. oh well. looks like i'm already starting to let myself down. it's no one's fault except my own anyway. so, there's a kick in the ass for me.

some moron just called the restaurant as a prank call. ha, ha, you're so funny. i know it's all just fun & games but please, don't waste my time right now. i really don't have the patience for it.

so yeah, back to this summer. i said i'd:

• go to summer school
• go to work
• watch all the movies "everyone should see" that i've never seen
• get a nice tan
• read more books
• spend more time with family & friends
• learn how to skate
• learn how to play the guitar
• play the piano more
• clean my room

actually, i lied. i cleaned my room. not completely. but it's hell of a lot better than it was before. you can actually see my floor. and sleep on my bed without a pile of clothes falling off of it. so that's a start. plus, my bathtub works now so i'm happy. so far, i've taken two baths within the one week that it's been fixed. and i'll buy my shower curtain soon so it'll be pretty. i've gotten kinda crazy with this bathroom/bedroom stuff. and i just thought...dang, this is ONLY my bathroom & bedroom...wait til i get my own place.

so i've started going back to work (well, just started today really. but i'll be here more often.) i haven't touched a book yet. i'm trying to spend more time with family & friends...it's just lately, i feel kinda...alone. my cousin & i took my little cousins to the beach yesterday though. and we saw dolphins. that was cool. too bad we had to go to class. but it was aerobics with julie so it's all good. i'm gonna miss her =(. i've gotten somewhat of a tan, but it's not nice cause i have all these lines everywhere. i'm multi-shaded. rica says she'll teach me how to play the guitar so we'll see. i have about 3 weeks left. so...

if you've reached this portion of my journal (which most of you probably haven't because...well, i wouldn't blame you) then...i want you to list movies that you think i should watch (movies that "should be seen by EVERYONE"). in other words, name your MUST-SEE movies. and as the summer passes, hopefully i'll be able to knock off a lot of those on the list.

i'm watching the X-Games...motoX. that crap is crazy. just reminds me of how much of a pansy i am. ha...i wouldn't do that, but i'd jump out of an airplane and skydive. man...i want to skydive so bad. i will...before i die. maybe...i'll die BECAUSE of skydiving. haha...how fun. i've always wanted to go white water rafting too. there are so many things i want to do. it sucks that there are roadblocks (i.e. financially, my parents, work & school, etc.) oh well. i guess after i graduate from college, i'll try to do all those things.

i just had a random thought. any of you girls out there, if you've ever tried that "intuition" razor thing...the one that doesn't require shaving gel, does it really work? i have no idea why that just popped into my head but it did and now i'm curious.

i've added another thing i must have in my house. a massage chair. cause i always have knots in my back. my dad wants a whirlpool bathtub. i thought..."damn, that'd be nice."

anyways, i'm having "one of them days". that's it for now.

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin
It ain't workin
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me?

why is life so fcuking complicated? what sucks is that you start to question..."what's wrong with me?" my cousin was like "damn lucy...why do you get the sweet guys? i'm like a magnet to the jerks." and i thought about it and i'm like "yeah i guess i do...for the most part." but then...i never get to keep them. so it doesn't really matter does it?

it's all like sand slipping through my fingers.

have you ever wondered how the world would be without you? meaning you once existed on this earth and one day you just died. would anybody care? would anybody feel grief or sorrow? would anybody truly care because you actually made an impact on their lives? in other words, would you actually be missed? and not just for a few days or weeks. but would you truly be missed and remembered throughout someone else's lifetime as somebody with a good heart, somebody that helped another, somebody who really loved and gave everything they could? would you be an example to others for them to tell stories about you, about what kind of person you were and the things you did?

don't worry (not that any of you would), this isn't a suicide note. nor do i ever plan on writing one. so calm down. i just really wonder...if when i die, any of those things mentioned above would apply to me. cause if they don't, then i'll be damned. and i'd have to say that life was lived in vain for i did not accomplish a damn thing. i hope that by the time i do die, i'll have accomplished one of these things. i can be dirt poor and fcukin ugly, a druggie, homeless, whatever...as long as i'd get these life goals accomplished. because it's only then when i can help others in any way possible and show love and really give that i will feel like i have all the riches in the world. maybe one day...

so the past 3 days have been pretty routine for me. work and school and back to work. when i leave the house, my brother's still sleeping. you know what, scratch that. i'm not even gonna talk about him. i guess it's just gotten to me the past few days. cause i've been at the restaurant by myself. well, with my mom. but i get all frustrated and shit. and i have no one to talk to, no one to vent to, no one who will listen and understand exactly what the fcuk i'm talking about. that very thought put me in a bitter mood this morning when i woke up. it's already one thing to work here everyday. it's a totally different thing to work here everyday by yourself. it makes you mad. it frustrates you. it makes you bitter. it makes you exhausted--physically, mentally and emotionally--but mostly the latter. i become a freakin zombie. i shut certain people out. no wait, it's called selective hearing. cause there's just only so much i can tolerate.

last night, i felt a pang of guilt. and after thinking, i had hope. or i thought i did. but suddenly, with the newness of today or rather the redundance of the past, i've lost my hope. and i don't hope anymore. i just want to wash my hands and rid of it. should i feel guilty? *sigh* i don't know anymore.

actually, i'm not even so sure about anything anymore...

fcuk.

i haven't been on this thing in a while. i guess cause i've been a little preoccupied. so let's see what i can recap...

last thursday (not yesterday), i went with paul jason to the LAKERS game (game 4 vs. the boohoo minnesota timberwolves)!! i was sooo excited the night before that i couldn't even sleep and i didn't until like....3am. then i had to wake up at 6am to ask my dad if i could go. and i talked to paul and decided to just stay up so i did. we parked in this parking lot where the guy scared the crap out of me cause he parked my car for me and he was this (                 ) close to the other car and i was like OMG if you put a scratch on my car i will hurt you! but he didn't so yay! so we were both hungry and decided to walk around to see what they had and we ended up going to sbarro's. the game itself was fun. i think what made it funner was the fact that paul jason is a twolves/KG fan and we had made a bet. and whoever lost had to pay for dinner. and i knew i was gonna get dinner that night, so i was happy. haha. we saw justin timberlake and usher and tried to zoom in to get pictures of them. umm...then right when i was thinking "this is like 'how to lose a guy in 10 days'...i wonder if they do that 'kiss me' thing", it came on the screen!! that was pretty funny. so i got to see a lot of older couples mack it on the screen. yay. O_o yeah so anyway, after the twolves lost horribly (okay okay only 7 points), we left LA and came back to our area where we decided to eat at denny's cause it was kinda late. so, i got a free game AND dinner. damn. talk about fun. that was a fun thursday night woohoo!! thanks paul jason! =) oh yeah and...GO LAKERS!!! man, i won two bets off of them. =D

then on friday i saw shrek 2. i really liked that movie =) it made me sad for a few seconds, but i really liked it. i find myself saying "HE'S WEARING A THONG!!" all the time. hahaha.

saturday, i went to the finals for our vball tournament. although it took longer than it should have, we won first place. so yayyy! i couldn't serve for crap for some reason. hmmmm =T (i wanna start going in to the girls' practice). then that night i watched the lakers game and then went to see Troy with paul. yeah i already saw it, but The Day After Tomorrow was sold out. man, did i mention that orlando bloom is a pansy in that movie?? *sigh*

this week, i had to write some a couple essays and do my art portfolio (thank you soooo much BF for helping me with that ad crap). i think i did alright on my music essay. so i turned that in on thursday (yesterday) and i took my english final. i just hope i did okay on that so i can still get my A. my hand was going to fall off though. and this guy in my class, jason, and i kept looking at each other like "when the hell is this going to end/i want to go home and sleep/die/" so that was fun =) that took a lot of stress off of my mind though. so now i only have half of my music final to worry about on tuesday and this little art project due on monday. and then i'll be done with my first year of college. yayyyy!!!

i was kind of disappointed because dr. doyle said the study abroad trip probably isn't going to happen next year (stupid ass budget cuts!) he said if they do continue it, it won't be at elco. what a monkey on a stick. i was dead serious about that too. i'm going to europe soon damnit. whether you like it or not!

so, it's true. not everything is as bad as we make it to be. we have a tendency to magnify the negativity of it by 32940237402374023843048 times. its just that when you're IN the hole, it's hard to see outside. however, i'm still a victim.

it'll be fun if i can start my scrapbook. i'm just so lazy that i'm scared i'll never get started on it. or if i do, i'll never finish it. blughhh.

i hung out with lin & zel last night! =D that was fun. i miss those two girls. oh and zelda...i'll be waiting for my personalized salt shaker ;) hahaha.

alright, i have nothing enlightening to say, so i'll shut up now. =X

peace out home skillets.

BF said the sweetest thing the other day..."well then, in that case, i am the biggest laker fan today". (something along those lines).  but they lost, so i guess it's a sign. oh well.

( gotta let it burn... )
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